Choose your battles wisely

Case in point:

PETA wishes Obama hadn't swatted that fly.

Video here

Here's the thing, PETA. When you choose to make ANY fuss over something so trivial (not to mention ridiculous), you lose credibility on all fronts, even those where your position is valid.

This, ladies and gentleman, is why you should choose your battles wisely.

A rising generation of horrible spellers

The benefits of the internet are many, as are the disadvantages; I shan't attempt to number them all. Let me focus your attention on one aspect of this world I dwell in.

The internet is an information superhighway. Ideas can be shared and propagated to the world with the click of a button. Or, a few buttons, actually, because of this keyboard thing. But what if that idea is a bad one? Or rather, what if that idea is a really good one, but the idiot who came up with it used some variation of "there/their/they're" incorrectly. ("Hey guys! Their giving free slurpees at 7-11 this Thursday!!!") Well, now you've got millions of the idiot's friends of friends of friends forwarding this great idea, bad grammar and all. Then all these millions of friends start coming up with their own great ideas, with little regard to how they're using "you're/your."

If you own an email account, you've also probably been forwarded some kind of outrageous tidbit which may or may not be true. The original genius who revealed this newsworthy masterpiece probably described the event as ridiculous. Except he spelled it "rediculous." All the people who receive that email react in indignant outrage, quickly searching for the forward button to let all their friends and family know just how messed up the world is. Before you know it, millions of people have seen this email. They're also gathering around the water cooler talking about how "rediculous" it is.

We are a spoiled and lazy generation. Spoiled because most internet browsers and word processors immediately alert us to misspelled words. Lazy because we apparently don't care enough to right click on that word with the dotted red line under it to see what's wrong.

It's getting so bad that every time I see a correct usage of "you're," I actually do a double-take, instinctively thinking something must be wrong. Then I realize, "Oh, no that's right." I just see it wrong so often that I get confused when people do it right. Another culprit of this embarrassing development is internet and text messaging shortcuts (e.g. "ur"). "Ur" of course can mean one of three things: your, you're, and you are. Once people start using "ur" for everything, they must forget the correct usages of the above terms, and just go with the easiest one ("your").

Even rediculous bloggers who rant about stupid stuff like this are not immune. On rare occasion, I'm ashamed to admit, I've caught myself slipping up and using some simple contraption incorrectly. If purists like myself aren't even safe from this epidemic, then who is? What does our future hold? Will our newspapers someday read like the warning label of a Chinese firecracker?

Here are the most frequently misspelled words that I encounter. In all honesty I think the incorrect spellings/usages may one day oust the correct words from their rightful place.

• Rediculous (Correct: "This blog is ridiculous.")
• They're/Their/There (I'm not even going to try. If people can't figure this out, our education system is in worse shape than we can possibly imagine.)
• You're/Your/You are (see above)
• Its/It's (Correct: "It's late; you should go." Also: "The blogger reared its ugly head.")
• Then/Than (Correct: "Then she said, 'You're way more ridiculous than my ex.")
• Lose/Loose
• to/too/two (Maybe not so much that last one, but I wouldn't be surprised.)

Got your own favorites? Add them in comments.

My Fashion Advice

Sometimes I'll have girl friends send me links to clothing items they're thinking of purchasing, to see if I think they're cute. I'm always happy to give an opinion (well, maybe not happy to...but I do it anyway), but here is the fundamental problem with asking me these questions--cute clothes don't make a girl look good; cute girls make clothes look good.

From my facebook quotes section: "I'm really not a shallow person: it doesn't matter to me what type of clothes people wear. It's what's underneath those clothes that really counts." -Me

This "quote," which I think I just kind of made up one day (though I doubt it's an original thought), betrays my inherent bias. If I think a girl is attractive, I'm probably going to think she'll look good in just about anything. Because it's true--she will. And while guys may not articulate the above attitude, they all think it. If my friends are attractive (and they are), I'll often just tell them they can save the $300 they're about to spend on that cute summer dress and just throw on a burlap sack. They'll look good in that, too. When a guy says he likes your dress, or your shirt, or your belt (come on, a belt??), what he really means is he thinks you're hot.

This is why models are good looking. An attractive model immediately creates a positive association with the outfit he/she is wearing. The unspoken false message conveyed is that if you buy this dress or shirt, you'll look as good as this model. And we eat it right up. If designers started hiring unattractive people to do their modeling, I have no doubt sales would take a nose dive. Nobody wants to look like THAT guy/girl! So that's another problem with asking my opinion on which dress is best: I'm going to be inclined to favor the outfits worn by the models that I find most attractive.

(The nerdy former psychology major in me wants to do a study that would quantify the effect of attractiveness on people's perceptions of clothing. It wouldn't be hard to set up. It has probably already been done...)

Having said all that, I will agree that some clothing is flattering while some is not (i.e. a burlap sack). However, that person's inherent attractiveness remains largely unaffected. Clothes, like so many other things, represent a "quick fix" in people's minds: "If I wear the most popular and trendy clothes, I will be beautiful!" In reality, there is no shortcut to beauty or attractiveness (or awesomeness); it's a combination of personality, physical appearance, and demeanor, among many other things. And these characteristics are a function of your lifestyle and everyday behavior--they're not things that can be changed like a pair of underwear.

And no, those jeans don't make you look fat. Your butt makes you look fat. Time to hit the stair machine!

Clif Bars

In the aftermath of Costco discontinuing the protein bars I used to buy, I've been searching for a substitute. In short, Clif bars are not it.

To the makers of Clif bars: if you're going to create something that tastes like crap, the least you could do is make it resemble anything BUT crap. Seriously, if I stepped on one of these at the park, I'd probably utter a few of my favorite swears, and then look around for the irresponsible pet owner.

Of course, I guess I should expect as much from the hippies out of Berkeley, where these things are produced. The saddest part is I bought these in bulk at Costco, so now I've got like 50 of them I have to suffer through. I'm getting kind of sick just thinking about it.

I gave Chipotle a second chance, and I regret it

Why? Because I was really hungry and my friend told me that I needed to get the chicken rice bowl--it was "the best." I've heard that one before.

Besides being rather tasteless, another problem with what is served at chipotle is that it's COLD. Let me illustrate. Here is what goes in a chicken rice bowl:

Rice (warm)
Beans (warm)
Chicken (warm)
Salsa (cold)
Sour cream (cold)
Cheese (cold)

I also could have gotten guacamole and lettuce in there too (also cold). The ingredients go in the bowl in that order. Thus you have cold grated cheese sprinkled on top of two other cold items. How is that supposed to melt? Why would I want unmelted cheese in something like this? So after I sat down and kind of mixed this chicken rice bowl a little bit, it became a tasteless, lukewarm mess unfit for Guantanamo. The only reason I ate it all is because I was starving and had just paid six bucks for it.

Their burritos are even worse. In the burrito, you have all the above ingredients, plus maybe cold guacamole, all wrapped in a cold tortilla and then put in foil. Chipotle: serving cold "mexican" food fresh off the grill since '93! If I wanted burrito popsicles, I'd go to costco and buy them in bulk. Oh, I'd also heat them up in the microwave.

Now, consider what goes into a burrito at Cafe Rio:

• A warm tortilla that they just made fresh right in front of your eyes (they have a rotating grill on which they cook the thin sheets of dough).
• Seasoned rice (hot) (and none of this tasteless crap with just some green stuff thrown in there--the rice actually tastes GOOD. What a concept!)
• Beans (hot--you can actually see steam rising from the containers)
• Meat of your choice (hot--same as the beans)
• Cheese (cold, but quickly melts because the other items are kept hot)
  
• Sauce-mild, medium, or hot (all of which are heated)

They have been assembling all this in an aluminum tray. You might be wondering why. Well, at this point, they wrap up the burrito and ask if you want it enchilada style (the correct answer is 'yes'). Then they smother it with sauce and cheese on top, and place it in a little conveyor-oven for about a minute, further HEATING the entire meal, and MELTING the cheese on top of the burrito. After it comes out of the oven, you then have various "cold" side options to be placed in the aluminimum tray with (but not IN) your burrito, such as sour cream, guacamole, lettuce, chunky salsa, etc. Note how these items are not placed in the burrito. That is because the items are COLD, and you want your burrito to be HOT. And it is hot. All the ingredients that went into the burrito were hot, and then if that wasn't enough, they send the thing through the oven.

Now I don't know about you, but when I'm eating mexican food (or "mexican" food, I should say--I know that neither chipotle nor cafe rio serves traditional mexican food), unless I'm eating a salad or dessert, I expect it to be hot. Cold food is what I get when I open my refrigerator and have leftovers (I then heat them up). I don't expect the food I just saw prepared in front of my eyes to be cold the second it's handed to me. Are my expectations unreasonable? Again, this is why I am baffled by Chipotle's popularity. Not only are they getting away with fooling people that the food itself actually tastes good, but they're also serving it to them cold! And the people are eating it up!

I'm truly perplexed that two Chipotle restaurants actually exist in Salt Lake City, because I always presumed that where Cafe Rio and its assorted rip-offs were present, Chipotle could not possibly thrive. Honestly this blows my mind. I'm not saying that Cafe Rio serves the best food on the planet, oh no. What I am saying is that in the world of burritos made in front of your eyes, as is done at both of these places, Cafe Rio serves food that is overwhelmingly better than anything you'll get at Chipotle. And, Cafe Rio has much more variety in their menu. But for all Californians who read this and have still not had the opportunity to experience Cafe Rio, fear not, for salvation is nigh. In 2010 Cafe Rio will be opening a location down in Lake Forest. I know, I know, "Where's Lake Forest?" I'm not entirely sure myself. I know it's way down in south county somewhere. I intend to look it up once 2010 rolls around. Until then, enjoy your Chipotle. I'll be at taco bell.

Just another little rant: sunglasses indoors

I'm sitting here studying in the library, on the second floor, and a student walks by with sunglasses on, presumably going outside. A few minutes later, he passes by again, in the same condition. He is not carrying anything in his arms that would prevent him from removing the sunglasses from his face. I am confused. I was under the impression sunglasses were intended to protect your eyes from the sun and bright reflections while outside.

However, I do recognize that there may be some good reasons for wearing sunglasses indoors. Something else sunglasses do is obscure your face, making you harder to be recognized. Thus, they can be very useful to people such as celebrities and criminals. Celebrities, because they don't want to be mobbed by fans everywhere they go. Criminals, because they don't want to get caught and turned in.

But what about when people who are neither of these wear sunglasses indoors? What's the point? Is this some attempt at looking cool? At remaining aloof and disinterested in the affairs of people so unimportant they don't even deserve eye contact? Or is this a way for you to check out girls without them knowing it? I'm going with all of the above. Therefore, the only explanation I have is that these people are tools. Well here's some advice pal: if you want to look good or tough, hit the gym and lose weight. That'll do a lot more for you than those sunglasses.

(One notable exception to this rule is the people in the Matrix. Everyone seems to like wearing sunglasses there, regardless of where they are in the matrix. There's probably some deeper meaning behind this (the movies are quite deep, actually), of which I am not aware. So I'll refrain from holding the matrix people to the same standard...for now.)

I could care less that people could care less

Ok I don't mean to mince words, but this oft-used expression has always bothered me. People use it incorrectly. Typically, people will use this expression to convey the notion that they really don't care about something or other. For example: "I could care less what people think of me." Now what this literally means is that the person does care what people think of him, even if just a tiny amount, because if he didn't care at all, then the correct expression would be "I couldn't care less what people think of me." The latter version correctly expresses the thought that this person cares so little what people think, that he couldn't possibly care less. Try as hard as he might, he just can't do it. It is beyond his capability to care any less than he cares now. This is how the expression should be used. (This of course assumes that it is impossible to have "negative" caring, if that even makes sense. P.S. It doesn't.)

By saying "I could care less," you're actually selling yourself far short of even the less-emphatic "I don't care." This latter expression actually denotes a lesser degree of caring than the incorrect "I could care less," because it uses a more absolute negative than the former: "do not" as opposed to "less." I think it's safe to assume that, absent any modifier, "I don't care" should be properly understood as "I don't care [at all]" as opposed to "I don't care [much] or [a lot]." On the other hand, "I could care less" is a qualified statement from the get-go. The listener is left wondering, "Well, how much less could you care?" If the listener is at all like me, he's probably stopped paying attention to exactly what you could care less about, and instead is now pondering how much less you might care about it. He'll probably snap out of it in a few seconds and then smile and nod, and then change the subject. If you're lucky, he won't lecture you on your poor mastery of idiomatic expressions and the english language.

But wait, you hypocrite! You just used this expression incorrectly in the subject line to this post! Perhaps you are smugly thinking this to yourself. Well look again. By saying "I could care less that people could care less" I am telling you that there is a lot of non-caring I could do about this subject, compared to the caring that is currently going on here. For example, I could care so much less that I wouldn't have had the desire to write this ridiculous blog about it. See how that works?

Anyway, readers of my blog, I implore you to spread the word. The correct expression is as follows:

"I COULDN'T CARE LESS!"

Win a handmade gift from me!

I'm selling out and doing one of these deals where for the first three people who leave a comment on this post, and post some kind of gift-giving post on their blog, will be entitled to a free homemade gift from me. I have to do it within the next year (and it probably won't get done until after the bar exam, unfortunately). What I create is entirely up to me but I'll try to make it good. ;) So what you do is post something like this on your blog, then come back and comment here. Quick before it's too late!

Not everyone at once now.

Dear Costco

The following is a comment/suggestion I just submitted via Costco's website. Don't judge me.

***

I've been very disappointed in the past few years with my Costco experience. You keep discontinuing the products I like.

First, it was the double-fudge chocolate chip cookies. Your bakeries stopped making these and instead started putting oatmeal raisin cookies in with the chocolate chip and macadamia nut packages. Are you kidding? Is that some effort toward providing a healthier cookie? If I want to buy something healthy, I'm not going anywhere near your bakery. I'll hang out over in produce. The double-fudge chocolate chip cookies were the BEST of the three offered in those packs. Often I wished that they were sold separately so I could buy a box that just had double-fudge in it. Since their discontinuance, I haven't purchased another costco cookie.

Next, there's the protein shakes. Costco used to sell some decent-tasting powder protein shake mixes. They came in big tubs. You stopped selling them and now I'm forced to buy the overpriced stuff at GNC. And I'm talking about the chocolate kind. I just saw the vanilla flavor today. Please, that's just gross. Give me chocolate or give me nothing at all. (At this point I'm probably starting to sound like a woman. I'm not. However, I am hungry, and this hunger fuels my rage.)

Similarly, you have recently discontinued the Premier Nutrition protein bars. Why? These were by FAR the best tasting protein bars I have ever found (and I've tried quite a few). Now I'm stuck with the garbage brand you still carry: "Balance Gold" or something. I even contacted Premier Nutrition directly to see if I could just purchase them from their website. I can, but at a considerably higher price. This is why I pay membership fees: so you can buy in bulk and I don't pay so much. And I'm also not going to pay for ridiculously overpriced protein bars at GNC. Please, I'm in school. Why do you think I shop in a warehouse.

Now, most recently, and perhaps most atrociously, you have apparently discontinued the delicious garlic chicken alfredo thin-crust pizzas that I discovered just a couple months ago. Is this some kind of conspiracy? If I discover more of your best-kept secrets will you stop carrying those, too? Are you secretly monitoring my purchase history and conspiring to make my already-limited food options (remember: I'm a student, and a bachelor--do the math) even more pathetic? These pizzas were just amazing. They taste like something I might buy at California Pizza Kitchen, and they're not big circles of grease, like those Di'Giorno pizzas you sell.

If you're going to discontinue products, why not focus on the nasty stuff instead? How about those Lean Cuisine four-packs? First of all, if you're going to stick four Lean Cuisines together, you should probably get the "best" tasting ones you can find. It's really frustrating to buy a four-pack containing three somewhat palatable lean cuisines, and then a fourth one like squash ravioli that makes you want to puke. That alone defeats the economy of buying them at costco. I would be better off going to a regular supermarket and picking four boxes of poison I can tolerate. Anyway, my point is, Lean Cuisines are pretty nasty. Give them the boot and you'd have room for those pizzas again. Switch the balance gold protein bars of nastiness for the premier ones (which, incidentally, had more protein in them anyway). And for the love of all that is good, BRING BACK THE DOUBLE-FUDGE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! You know the kids aren't eating those "healthy" oatmeal raisin ones anyway. They're just getting left in the box and then thrown away after they get too stale. Go ahead, do a test. Put a chocolate one and an oatmeal raisin one in front of a child. Remember how the face of a child says it all? Well that cute, smiling little mug is now covered in chocolate, and it's trying to tell you something. Please listen.

Why is Nirvana still played so much on the radio?

Can someone please answer me this? The band has been dead since 1994. It has sold 50 to 74 millions records, according to wikipedia. This puts it WAY behind other popular, contemporary rock bands that have sold much more music than they have, such as metallica, depeche mode, and guns 'n roses, to name just a very few. But do you hear these bands on rock stations as much as Nirvana? No, you don't. At least, not around here. Why can't we just let them die? They really weren't that talented of a band. Is the ghost of Kurt Cobain haunting the owners of large radio stations, forcing them to play his music incessantly? Are they still played to remind us of the roots of the currently-popular Foo Fighters? I don't know. KROQ (local rock station) ranked them as the #2 band of all time (at least, in terms of what they play apparently) as of Memorial Day 2007. #3 was Sublime, which, incidentally, was my next question. Why is SUBLIME still played so much?? Please. Let these mediocre bands of the past rest in peace. The fans who really care will still buy their cds and keep listening. But if you describe yourself as a rock station that plays "new" music, don't insult my intelligence and play old early 90's hits over and over like they just came out last week. Save it for "90's at noon" or maybe themed weekends where you play old hits. There are so many good bands (note, this does not in any way include the no-talents "Social Distortion") coming out with great music nowadays that you should have more than enough to choose from without resorting to bygones.

I was right!

See the entry two posts down from this one regarding working out with hot girls around. Now this little blurb from my January/February 2009 issue of Men's Health Magazine:

"It starts with boys showing off on the playground, and the performance never ends: When a woman is around, men work out harder. In a new German study, men pushed themselves 12 percent harder and complained less about pain during a bicycle stress test when a female doctor supervised than when a man did. Study author Christian Jung, M.D., says the results could translate to your gym: "Working out with a woman may help you push harder, probably because men are evolutionarily programmed to impress women," he says. Choose your treadmill wisely."

Validation is a wonderful feeling, isn't it? :)

Oh and also: new year's resolutions

I guess my first post for the new year should have been about all the great new year's resolutions I've made! This will be a work in progress.

1. Eat at least 3000 calories per day (at the very least, on the days I work out). I've lost like 10 lbs over the holidays. This is tragic and must stop.
2. Get a 4.0 in at least one of my classes this semester.

. . .

I'm certainly open to suggestions.

You will probably think less of me after reading this

You know what makes an otherwise grueling and painful workout much more bearable? A hot chick.

Let me explain. I don't know of anyone who enjoys the pain associated with lifting weights or working your body hard. That pain is just something you put up with for later benefits, whether it's increased health, a good post-workout sensation, bigger muscles, flatter tummy, whatever. If you don't experience some measure of pain and discomfort while at the gym, then you're doing something wrong. So what better way to distract your mind from such pain than an attractive member of the opposite sex? This has several benefits. First, there's the mere eye candy aspect (but don't stare, you creep). Second, she serves as a distraction. Third, you might complete your sets with better form because you don't want to look like a dork. Fourth, you complete all reps in your set because you don't want to look like a wimp. Fifth, it passes the time faster. I'm going to stop making a numbered list now because it's getting on my nerves. You might also decide to exercise a little longer than you normally would have, because of that person's presence.

Back in social psychology, they taught us that your performance will improve if you are being observed by others, provided that you are comfortable with the task at hand, or already proficient. (Conversely, if you are inexperienced with the particular task, or not confident in your abilities, your performance will worsen in the presence of observers.) I think this is kind of the principle at work here. Generally unpleasant experiences are made much more bearable with the presence of some positive association, whether it be a person, music, feeling, etc. This is also why sometimes I study more effectively when I'm with friends.

So in the end I don't think it's such a bad thing that gyms are "meat markets." That guy who has been following you from station to station for the past half-hour? He's not a creepy stalker. He's just using you to make his workout easier. There, don't you feel better now?

Merry Christmas

I don't remember the last time it snowed on Christmas morning. So not only do we get a white Christmas this year, but one that could have come straight from a movie! Couldn't have planned it better.

This year I was more creative than usual in my gift-giving. I did the normal gifts for my parents/siblings that I bought at stores, but I also took on a time-consuming project of scanning old pictures and assembling them into slide shows and burning them all onto DVD. All told it was about 500 pictures, and even then most of the kids were severely underrepresented for their slide shows. I also put these pictures onto 2 GB flash drives and put them on digital photo frames for my parents.

I also made the mistake of wrapping these gifts myself. I am convinced that I am the least-skilled gift-wrapper in the history of mankind. I had trouble wrapping even the individual DVD's in their cases. On some of the bigger gifts the paper would actually start tearing as I was trying to wrap it around the gift. I soon discovered that, contrary to what I had thought, no amount of scotch tape can fix a bad wrapping job. Most gifts looked like someone had opened the present early and then sloppily attempted to cover up the crime. I think I went through like a roll and a half of wrapping paper just on gifts for my fam (8 in all). Ah well, it's what's on the inside that counts, right? See? It was just an object lesson. All part of the plan.

Another reason my phone is superior to yours

So my car is all packed, I fill up the tank and buy a couple rockstars. It's raining really bad but I figure I can drive safe and it won't be a big deal. Thus I embark on my trip to Utah, for the holidays. As I drive on the freeway, I see signs saying the "junction" to the I-15 from the 215 (this is near San Bernardino) is closed. "Huh, that sucks for people trying to get on from the 215," I think to myself. As I near this closed junction, I remember that the 15 goes up into the mountains. Something clicks. I whip out my trusty iPhone, pull up the maps application (traffic enabled), and see that the 15 is marked in red (very congested) for miles and miles in both directions of the 15/215 junction.

I quickly exit, flip the radio to AM 1070, and discover that pretty much every major freeway coming out of southern California, that goes into mountains, has been closed due to heavy snow. Disaster averted! I could have gotten stuck in a parking lot on the freeway and had to spend the night in my car (as many people have done for the past two days). Instead, I took a nice 2+ hour drive around Riverside county and came home. Now I'm waiting for two-day's worth of backed up traffic to clear up before hitting the road. But not before I buy some chains and a survival kit.

Pizza hut, you're fired

Perhaps some of you saw on the news recently that southern California was once again ravaged by a series of fires. The news stations covered the fires around the clock, interviewing fire fighters, owners of lost homes, and whoever else they could find that would talk to them. But these reporters don't capture everything. They don't tell the full story on how these fires really affect people.

For example, on the night the fires were getting a little out of hand, I found myself hungry. I had barely eaten all day. I was starving to death. So, as I am prone to do in such situations, I picked up my phone and called pizza hut (they are in my contacts). It went straight to their hold message. I stayed on hold for probably a good 20 minutes. Then I hung up and called again. Same result. I waited an hour, tried again. No different. At this point, I'm ravenous. My stomach was on the verge of digesting itself. I'm also angry at the pizza hut "team" for never answering the phone. More than anything I want to strangle the pizza hut "DJ's" that host the recording you hear while on hold.

Time for plan B: online ordering. I get on to pizza hut's website and submit an order for the pizza hut location I'd been calling. Everything went through. Great! Now I just need to go pick it up. When I get outside, I smell the scent of smoke in the air. Hmm, odd time for a barbecue, I thought. As I arrive near the pizza hut location, I notice a lot of police cars on the street, diverting traffic from closed streets. At this point I turn on AM 1070 and realize my city is on the verge of burning up. Sure enough, the entire commercial complex where the pizza hut is located was closed off. Every single business was closed. Ok then, that explains quite a bit.

However, this still didn't solve my starvation problem. So I drove to a Carls Jr. about 20 minutes away, and then waited another 20 minutes in its drive-thru. Ahhh finally, real food! Also, my city didn't burn down. Don't you love happy endings? I also learned my lesson and the following monday I went to costco and stocked up on hot pockets and lean cuisines, so that the next time disaster strikes, I'm prepared.

Who knows what one little email can do?

So, remember my email to that radio station? Apparently they're back to having zero morning DJ's. Is it presumptuous of me to think my lone email had any discernible impact? Perhaps. But allow me some indulgences. :)

-Aaron, championing the interests of public radio listeners since '04. (Correct: sending emails to radio stations regarding their DJ's or music is not a new thing for me.)

Another reason to not go to law school

I'm in the Del Taco drive-thru the other day, and I say roughly the following:

"I'd like a number 5 [the fish taco meal], and then, independent of that, I want three additional fish tacos."

Seriously, who talks like that? I'm doomed.

Hey how was your weekend?

Mine was great!




What.

I scare myself sometimes

The following is an email I wrote to the local radio station "98.7 FM." I'm weird, I know.

"I join with you in lamenting the dearth of good morning DJ's you have experienced in the past couple years. I moved to the Orange County area about two years ago and I chose your station as one of the few that actually played some decent music and didn't totally annoy me. However, your morning DJ's have always been less than impressive.

The first that I recall was that Valentine guy. I noticed very quickly how big of an idiot he was, and it was difficult to listen to his stupidity for more than a few minutes at a time. I'm glad you got rid of him.

Then there was Lisa Fox flying solo for the past while. Not entertaining at all. She was FAR too cheerful to be a morning DJ. No one is in the mood to listen to a care-bear as they're waking up in the morning. We're grumpy. We need someone witty and somewhat cynical that we can relate with. Someone that will make us laugh. That was not Lisa Fox, and I'm glad you moved her to a different shift.

But her replacement? Are you kidding me? OZOMATLI?? It's already cliche enough to bring bands in for studio performances and interviews. But to have them actually RUN your morning program? And they're a band whose music you don't even play. How pathetic is that? Every time the music stops and they chime in with their little "Ozomatli in the Morning" catch phrase, I am forced to change the station to one of the three other radio stations I find marginally palatable: KROQ, Jack, or some indie station. I honestly can't listen to them for more than a few seconds without getting really perturbed. I'm already grumpy. I just woke up and am in no mood to be barraged with the inexperienced and awkward radio banter of 2nd-rate musicians who sound like they have, maybe, a 200-word vocabulary. I don't care about what party they went to over the weekend. I don't care about whose "crib" they hung out at or which real celebrities they got to see. They're trying way too hard and it's painfully obvious. The solo Lisa Fox was WAY better than these tools.

My suggestion is to just get some college communications majors to come in and do your morning show as interns. I'm sure they'd be more than happy to do it and you might actually get people that are slightly entertaining and don't have to resort to half-assed ghetto speak to sound cool. They also might not sound like toolboxes every time they open their mouths. Oh, and you won't even have to pay them. Worst case scenario is still a huge step up from your current crew.

If they suck then just get rid of them and play music. You could probably do a traffic report every couple songs and make people a lot happier. I'm honestly more entertained by traffic reports (even if I'm not commuting that day) than I am by your current DJ's talking about the penthouse suite they'll be chilling at this friday, trying in vain to convince me they're cool or interesting."

Friday 5:00 p.m.

It's blisteringly hot outside (I'm in Riverside); I don't care.

I'm in a traffic jam; no biggie.

The radio isn't playing any good songs--or commercials; I listen anyway.

I'm hitting all the red lights on the way home; no big deal.

Somebody cuts me off. Someone else is tailgaiting. I barely notice.

Seriously, who needs drugs when you've got Friday afternoons?

Soap Opera at the Gym

Like I mentioned previously, I tend to go to the gym very early in the morning, around 5:30-6:00 a.m. One of the reasons I like to go that early is because the gym isn't as crowded as it is later in the day.

That being the case, you tend to become familiar--and informally acquainted--with some of the regular crowd who also choose to work out that early.

One particular couple tends to draw a lot of attention to themselves. The guy appears to be your typical gym meathead: average height and very muscular. The girl is very short and petite, and also very muscular for her size (she also got a huge boob job at some point...which honestly looks pretty weird on her tiny frame). They are a good-looking couple.

But the thing is, they're almost always fighting. You know how you can tell when people are fighting or arguing even when you don't know what they're saying? It's in their facial expressions, their body language, hand gestures, etc. One or the other will walk up to each other in between sets and just start going off on whatever. Then they'll split for a few minutes and do their thing. Often the girl will then go up and attempt to apologize or smooth things over (I can tell because of her changed facial expression and the way she'll gently touch his arm or hand), but this often results in just another outburst from either him or her, and once again they'll split and go back to their workouts.

I watch these exchanges in twisted fascination. This is made possible by there being mirrors on all the walls at the gym, so I can stare without it appearing that I'm staring. I think what fascinates me so much is that they're fighting at the gym. It seems like most couples would save stuff like that for less public venues. I don't believe they're married because she doesn't wear a ring and I saw them leave in separate cars once when I was leaving. (Don't read into it--checking for rings is something that became habitual to me after four years of BYU.) Maybe their gym-time is the time they typically spend together each day. Maybe they like to fight while at the gym because they can simultaneously alleviate the stress through rigorous exercise. Maybe they secretly like the attention? I don't know. Sometimes I'm tempted to go work out in their vicinity and turn off my ipod and see what all the ruckus is about.

In any event, I appreciate these two. The girl, because she's nice to look at (hot girls at the gym=another topic for another day). The guy, because he fights with the girl and gives me something to inwardly smile about. Both are much welcomed distractions from the normal drudgery of my workouts.

Crap-wraps

It pains me to even write this entry. Any of you unfortunate enough to have mentioned the word "chipotle" in my presence have already become victims of my angry wrath regarding the tasteless garbage that passes for "food" there.

For those of you unaware of what Chipotle is: It's one of those places that makes a burrito right in front of you using fresh ingredients and you can order it the way you like it. For people who have been to Utah, Cafe Rio, Costa Vida, or Bajio's are probably coming to mind. Everywhere Cafe Rio (or its assorted mimics) isn't, Chipotle is. The main difference between these two restaurants is that Chipotle serves you crap, while Cafe Rio serves you something that could probably be accurately described as celestial. I've been to both restaurants so I know what I'm talking about. And for those of you doubting me, I even went back to Chipotle after tasting the unpalatable wrap of tasteless garbage, because a friend of mine insisted I hadn't ordered the "right" thing. So I went with him and had him order some chicken burrito with the works and guacamole and everything. I think I got about 500 calories into it before I had to throw it away.

I felt sorry for my friend. Like most Californians, he assumed that he had the best of the best at his fingertips. Everything that's hot either starts in California or at least arrives there quickly, right? I kind of analogize it to the tree of life and the great and spacious building. See, the tree of life grows Cafe Rio burritos and salads. Everyone over in the great and spacious building is eating Chipotle. I feel like Lehi, trying to get people to come over and taste the real thing, but they're adamant that what they're eating is so wonderful and great, so they won't. (If I never want to give a talk in church again, I'm going to use this next time I'm called, in fact.) The ironic thing is there are Cafe Rios in Vegas now, right at the heart of the great and spacious building, and what Californian doesn't make it out to Vegas at least once a year?

I had a very disturbing conversation with a friend the other day. I started in on my Chipotle rant, and she uttered something I could scarcely comprehend. She said that CHIPOTLE WAS JUST AS GOOD AS CAFE RIO. Shocked, I backed away from her, frightened that I'd get hit by the lightning, too. (To my surprise, it didn't turn out to be an unforgivable sin.) Then, being the good friend that I am, I tried to find out what was wrong with her. Asked her if she had been taking any hallucinogenic drugs lately. Of course she denied it but even so I suggested some reputable rehab centers and sponsors. I'm still deeply concerned for this friend (who shall remain anonymous, for her sake. I imagine that there are many out there with less restraint than I who would immediately resort to violence if they heard such blasphemy. Remember, everyone, these people need HELP. Violence isn't the answer.)

I get passionate about weird things. And this is one of them. After my friend made me eat the "best of the best" at Chipotle, I went home and found a facebook group dedicated to the adoration and worship of all things Chipotle. I joined it. Immediately, I went and posted on the group's board about how tasteless and nasty Chipotle is and how everyone who likes it has never had a well-made burrito-on-the-fly. After several days of being totally ignored, I sorrowfully removed myself from the group and left them to their cold, foil-wrapped, crap-filled tortillas. I even tried to get on Cafe Rio's website to find a number to call or an email address so I could yell at them for not coming and putting people out of their ignorant misery. All I found on their site was some virtual version of a comment card that you'd fill out in a restaurant. I filled one out. Still haven't heard back from them.

If this whole lawyer thing doesn't work out, I know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to start a chain of Cafe Rios here in orange county and L.A. I'll put Chipotle out of business. I'll become rich. Probably famous. Maybe I'll run for governor. The sky's the limit.

Can you guess that I'm really, really hungry right now?

Missionaries are such dorks

Don't believe me? Click here.

The mystery of slot machines

As I walked through a movie-theater-made-casino in Vegas a few weeks back, I stared in wonder at the glazed expressions of people playing on the slot machines. Did they not realize they hadn't moved from that position for hours? Probably not. They also probably couldn't hear their names being paged to come pick up their kids at the theater ticket desk.

Then I stared at what they were staring at and became more perplexed. These vegetables didn't seem to notice that the thing they were staring at was as graphically stimulating as Rosie O'Donnel in a bikini. What I'm getting at is how ridiculously gaudy and dated slot machines are. I play video games. I do it for fun. It's fun because they have good graphics, are pretty to look at, and are visually stimulating. (No I'm not talking about Grand Theft Auto or crap like that) But I mean, the original mario brothers beats most slot machines out there in terms of video sophistication. If people already can be suckered into depositing money into machines that are less dynamic than your average coffee maker, then how much MORE would they be hooked by something that's actually pleasant to look at? As it stands, they might as well go to a nickelcade: the money they'll save by going there is probably greater or equivalent to the money they might have "won" playing the slots, and the games there are cooler and more interesting (even though they're probably 10 years old).

And they won't leave their kids at the ticket counter.