George Lucas: Destroyer of Films

I should have known. I had "a bad feeling about this" movie when 'Lucasfilm Ltd.' flashed across the screen as the movie started. My fears would shortly be confirmed all too painfully.

I went to the theater with my cousin and his friend, Jim. They went and saw Ironman, but I had already seen it and was loathe to spend $10 on a movie I had already seen. Jim had seen Indiana Jones before, and he said to me "Well I won't tell you what I think about it until after. It's Indiana Jones! You have to see it!" Me: "Yeah you're right. Of course I need to see it." This exchange actually gave me a glimmer of hope, even after I had heard a disturbing second-hand review of the movie here.

About five minutes into the movie, to my horror I realized I had no reception on my cell phone. In vain I tried to text a friend and communicate my misery. No luck. Halfway through I got a sliver of reception and a text message got through to me. Then it immediately disappeared and I was once again left with nothing to alleviate my boredom. I even thought of trying to beat my high score on "bejeweled."

After the movie I came up to Jim and said, "Jim, if a loved one were to come up to you and ask you if he should put his hand in a meat grinder, what would you tell him? Would you say, 'I know what putting your hand in a meat grinder feels like, but you should do it yourself so you can know too!' Is that what you'd tell him, Jim?" The sick bastard just laughed at me hysterically.

Well folks, I'm not like him, and I will tell you straight up, DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE. If you absolutely must, wait for it to come out on video, and watch it only as background noise to some other moderately important task to which you can devote most of your attention. It was just terrible. Absolutely awful. Worst movie I've seen in a long time.

First you've got Cate Blanchett with an ugly wig and an even uglier Russian accent. Oh yeah, she's also some kind of psychic that can open warehouse doors with her mind, but can't crack old Indy. And she carries around a rapier? WTF.

Next you've got good old Indy. Up to his same old tricks, you know: dodging bullets, using his whip like a pro, beating Russians up, surviving nuclear blasts in refrigerators, the usual! (Of course that's realistic, stupid audience, the fridge was lined with lead! Don't you know anything?) Harrison Ford's natural coolness was undermined by the corny lines he was forced to utter and the general silliness that set the mood of this movie.

Then you've got Shia LaBeouf as the young punk greaser kid who is arrogant and likes to make fun of the "old man" Indiana Jones. Turns out his mom is in trouble, who also happened to be one of Indy's old lovers. Can you tell where that's going? Puh-leeze. He's in here for comic relief. Lucas might as well have insisted on getting Jar-Jar Binx a spot in the flick for all the comedy LaBeouf's character brings to the film. I mean, the movie does involve aliens, after all. Oh but wait Aaron, isn't it funny how a motorcycle repairman is able to somehow swing through the amazon jungle like Tarzan, rallying a battalion of monkeys in a surprise attack on the Russian goons? Correct, that's not funny. At all. That's why you said "isn't it," right? Shia LaBeouf playing Tarzan and attacking people along with monkeys is downright silly. Not funny. There is a difference. "Funny" is using a live snake as a rope to get Indy out of quicksand. That was pretty funny. Sorry if I just spoiled the only funny part of this movie. Boo hoo.

Oh and hey wait a second, apparently Indy's dad died? Didn't he drink from the fountain of youth? Holy Grail and all that? The water made his bullet wound bubble away in Indy 3 for crying out loud. Now he's dead? Lucas, Spielberg, Paramount? I don't care if you contracted for five films. There is such a thing as quitting while you're ahead. Wait, I'm sorry, there was such a thing.

Aliens. WHY, Mr. Lucas, must we have aliens. Aliens to the Indiana Jones series is like Kate Hudson to Schindler's List. They just don't belong. Not one bit. Was Star Wars not enough for you? And Mr. Spielberg, you had your fun in E.T. and that other one you did. We don't need Indiana Jones + Aliens! You know better. You should have never agreed to this. It's not all about money, idiots! Do you have no dignity? Don't you care about respect? Quality? Most people would be fired if they botched something so good this badly.

My advice to you both? DON'T make the fifth film. I don't care if you have a contract with Paramount. Anticipatory Repudiation is the name of the game. Just tell em to go screw themselves. Maybe they'll sue you, but here's the catch: to recover damages they'll have to prove some anticipated pecuniary gain that they would have experienced had you not breached. However, after this recent debacle, any further production would be a huge loss. Surely you would lose money. You'd build on the "aliens" theme, hire people to do a lot of special effects, maybe throw in a death star and a rebellion or something, and then you and Paramount would lose a lot of money. You would be in control of the lawsuit. You'd just tell the judge, "Well, this is how we were going to ruin the Indiana Jones series even more: Luke Skywalker, ewoks, and Indy has to go on an inter-galactic treasure hunt to find his whip that he lost to the ewoks in a drunken poker game." The judge would then find, as a matter of law, that Paramount would have necessarily lost money if they had produced such a ridiculous film, and therefore they suffered no pecuniary loss as a result of your contractual breach. Maybe he'll even conclude that your breach served as an unjust enrichment to Paramount and they'll owe you money. If so, donate it to charity. Preferably some kind of mental health institution that is treating poverty-stricken people who saw your film and can't afford professional help.

BUT PLEASE, JUST STOP!

(You will notice that I did not provide a disclaimer to this blog announcing that it contained movie spoilers. It's impossible to spoil something this rotten. Har har har, maybe they should hire me to write their next script.)

I think I can't dance

Anyone who saw my head bouncing above the crowd at the HB dance will probably agree.

My friend invited me to go to a hip-hop class last night. I took classes like this back when I went to Gold's gym in Provo until I realized how ridiculous I probably looked. Then I stopped. Well, I had forgotten how ridiculous I looked and ended up accepting my friend's invitation. There was only one other guy there and a bunch of little kids. The mirror at the front of the room wasn't even tall enough to get my head (maybe this was a good thing).

You know, you would think I'd be great at hip-hop routines. It's all about keeping time and rhythm and all that, and after all, I was in the marching band for three years in high school.

Wait, what the crap am I talking about.

I'm just gonna blame it on my height. Sound good? Great. Hey guess what, I'm bored at work and really tired. I didn't go to the gym this morning, maybe that's why.

News flash

Organic peanut butter tastes way better than regular peanut butter. Healthier, too. Who knew?

Also: $5 large subs at Quizno's! Thank you subway for strong-arming them into this. Now if only the oil companies would start doing the same.