Soap Opera at the Gym

Like I mentioned previously, I tend to go to the gym very early in the morning, around 5:30-6:00 a.m. One of the reasons I like to go that early is because the gym isn't as crowded as it is later in the day.

That being the case, you tend to become familiar--and informally acquainted--with some of the regular crowd who also choose to work out that early.

One particular couple tends to draw a lot of attention to themselves. The guy appears to be your typical gym meathead: average height and very muscular. The girl is very short and petite, and also very muscular for her size (she also got a huge boob job at some point...which honestly looks pretty weird on her tiny frame). They are a good-looking couple.

But the thing is, they're almost always fighting. You know how you can tell when people are fighting or arguing even when you don't know what they're saying? It's in their facial expressions, their body language, hand gestures, etc. One or the other will walk up to each other in between sets and just start going off on whatever. Then they'll split for a few minutes and do their thing. Often the girl will then go up and attempt to apologize or smooth things over (I can tell because of her changed facial expression and the way she'll gently touch his arm or hand), but this often results in just another outburst from either him or her, and once again they'll split and go back to their workouts.

I watch these exchanges in twisted fascination. This is made possible by there being mirrors on all the walls at the gym, so I can stare without it appearing that I'm staring. I think what fascinates me so much is that they're fighting at the gym. It seems like most couples would save stuff like that for less public venues. I don't believe they're married because she doesn't wear a ring and I saw them leave in separate cars once when I was leaving. (Don't read into it--checking for rings is something that became habitual to me after four years of BYU.) Maybe their gym-time is the time they typically spend together each day. Maybe they like to fight while at the gym because they can simultaneously alleviate the stress through rigorous exercise. Maybe they secretly like the attention? I don't know. Sometimes I'm tempted to go work out in their vicinity and turn off my ipod and see what all the ruckus is about.

In any event, I appreciate these two. The girl, because she's nice to look at (hot girls at the gym=another topic for another day). The guy, because he fights with the girl and gives me something to inwardly smile about. Both are much welcomed distractions from the normal drudgery of my workouts.

Crap-wraps

It pains me to even write this entry. Any of you unfortunate enough to have mentioned the word "chipotle" in my presence have already become victims of my angry wrath regarding the tasteless garbage that passes for "food" there.

For those of you unaware of what Chipotle is: It's one of those places that makes a burrito right in front of you using fresh ingredients and you can order it the way you like it. For people who have been to Utah, Cafe Rio, Costa Vida, or Bajio's are probably coming to mind. Everywhere Cafe Rio (or its assorted mimics) isn't, Chipotle is. The main difference between these two restaurants is that Chipotle serves you crap, while Cafe Rio serves you something that could probably be accurately described as celestial. I've been to both restaurants so I know what I'm talking about. And for those of you doubting me, I even went back to Chipotle after tasting the unpalatable wrap of tasteless garbage, because a friend of mine insisted I hadn't ordered the "right" thing. So I went with him and had him order some chicken burrito with the works and guacamole and everything. I think I got about 500 calories into it before I had to throw it away.

I felt sorry for my friend. Like most Californians, he assumed that he had the best of the best at his fingertips. Everything that's hot either starts in California or at least arrives there quickly, right? I kind of analogize it to the tree of life and the great and spacious building. See, the tree of life grows Cafe Rio burritos and salads. Everyone over in the great and spacious building is eating Chipotle. I feel like Lehi, trying to get people to come over and taste the real thing, but they're adamant that what they're eating is so wonderful and great, so they won't. (If I never want to give a talk in church again, I'm going to use this next time I'm called, in fact.) The ironic thing is there are Cafe Rios in Vegas now, right at the heart of the great and spacious building, and what Californian doesn't make it out to Vegas at least once a year?

I had a very disturbing conversation with a friend the other day. I started in on my Chipotle rant, and she uttered something I could scarcely comprehend. She said that CHIPOTLE WAS JUST AS GOOD AS CAFE RIO. Shocked, I backed away from her, frightened that I'd get hit by the lightning, too. (To my surprise, it didn't turn out to be an unforgivable sin.) Then, being the good friend that I am, I tried to find out what was wrong with her. Asked her if she had been taking any hallucinogenic drugs lately. Of course she denied it but even so I suggested some reputable rehab centers and sponsors. I'm still deeply concerned for this friend (who shall remain anonymous, for her sake. I imagine that there are many out there with less restraint than I who would immediately resort to violence if they heard such blasphemy. Remember, everyone, these people need HELP. Violence isn't the answer.)

I get passionate about weird things. And this is one of them. After my friend made me eat the "best of the best" at Chipotle, I went home and found a facebook group dedicated to the adoration and worship of all things Chipotle. I joined it. Immediately, I went and posted on the group's board about how tasteless and nasty Chipotle is and how everyone who likes it has never had a well-made burrito-on-the-fly. After several days of being totally ignored, I sorrowfully removed myself from the group and left them to their cold, foil-wrapped, crap-filled tortillas. I even tried to get on Cafe Rio's website to find a number to call or an email address so I could yell at them for not coming and putting people out of their ignorant misery. All I found on their site was some virtual version of a comment card that you'd fill out in a restaurant. I filled one out. Still haven't heard back from them.

If this whole lawyer thing doesn't work out, I know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to start a chain of Cafe Rios here in orange county and L.A. I'll put Chipotle out of business. I'll become rich. Probably famous. Maybe I'll run for governor. The sky's the limit.

Can you guess that I'm really, really hungry right now?

Missionaries are such dorks

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The mystery of slot machines

As I walked through a movie-theater-made-casino in Vegas a few weeks back, I stared in wonder at the glazed expressions of people playing on the slot machines. Did they not realize they hadn't moved from that position for hours? Probably not. They also probably couldn't hear their names being paged to come pick up their kids at the theater ticket desk.

Then I stared at what they were staring at and became more perplexed. These vegetables didn't seem to notice that the thing they were staring at was as graphically stimulating as Rosie O'Donnel in a bikini. What I'm getting at is how ridiculously gaudy and dated slot machines are. I play video games. I do it for fun. It's fun because they have good graphics, are pretty to look at, and are visually stimulating. (No I'm not talking about Grand Theft Auto or crap like that) But I mean, the original mario brothers beats most slot machines out there in terms of video sophistication. If people already can be suckered into depositing money into machines that are less dynamic than your average coffee maker, then how much MORE would they be hooked by something that's actually pleasant to look at? As it stands, they might as well go to a nickelcade: the money they'll save by going there is probably greater or equivalent to the money they might have "won" playing the slots, and the games there are cooler and more interesting (even though they're probably 10 years old).

And they won't leave their kids at the ticket counter.