It pains me to even write this entry. Any of you unfortunate enough to have mentioned the word "chipotle" in my presence have already become victims of my angry wrath regarding the tasteless garbage that passes for "food" there.
For those of you unaware of what Chipotle is: It's one of those places that makes a burrito right in front of you using fresh ingredients and you can order it the way you like it. For people who have been to Utah, Cafe Rio, Costa Vida, or Bajio's are probably coming to mind. Everywhere Cafe Rio (or its assorted mimics) isn't, Chipotle is. The main difference between these two restaurants is that Chipotle serves you crap, while Cafe Rio serves you something that could probably be accurately described as celestial. I've been to both restaurants so I know what I'm talking about. And for those of you doubting me, I even went back to Chipotle after tasting the unpalatable wrap of tasteless garbage, because a friend of mine insisted I hadn't ordered the "right" thing. So I went with him and had him order some chicken burrito with the works and guacamole and everything. I think I got about 500 calories into it before I had to throw it away.
I felt sorry for my friend. Like most Californians, he assumed that he had the best of the best at his fingertips. Everything that's hot either starts in California or at least arrives there quickly, right? I kind of analogize it to the tree of life and the great and spacious building. See, the tree of life grows Cafe Rio burritos and salads. Everyone over in the great and spacious building is eating Chipotle. I feel like Lehi, trying to get people to come over and taste the real thing, but they're adamant that what they're eating is so wonderful and great, so they won't. (If I never want to give a talk in church again, I'm going to use this next time I'm called, in fact.) The ironic thing is there are Cafe Rios in Vegas now, right at the heart of the great and spacious building, and what Californian doesn't make it out to Vegas at least once a year?
I had a very disturbing conversation with a friend the other day. I started in on my Chipotle rant, and she uttered something I could scarcely comprehend. She said that CHIPOTLE WAS JUST AS GOOD AS CAFE RIO. Shocked, I backed away from her, frightened that I'd get hit by the lightning, too. (To my surprise, it didn't turn out to be an unforgivable sin.) Then, being the good friend that I am, I tried to find out what was wrong with her. Asked her if she had been taking any hallucinogenic drugs lately. Of course she denied it but even so I suggested some reputable rehab centers and sponsors. I'm still deeply concerned for this friend (who shall remain anonymous, for her sake. I imagine that there are many out there with less restraint than I who would immediately resort to violence if they heard such blasphemy. Remember, everyone, these people need HELP. Violence isn't the answer.)
I get passionate about weird things. And this is one of them. After my friend made me eat the "best of the best" at Chipotle, I went home and found a facebook group dedicated to the adoration and worship of all things Chipotle. I joined it. Immediately, I went and posted on the group's board about how tasteless and nasty Chipotle is and how everyone who likes it has never had a well-made burrito-on-the-fly. After several days of being totally ignored, I sorrowfully removed myself from the group and left them to their cold, foil-wrapped, crap-filled tortillas. I even tried to get on Cafe Rio's website to find a number to call or an email address so I could yell at them for not coming and putting people out of their ignorant misery. All I found on their site was some virtual version of a comment card that you'd fill out in a restaurant. I filled one out. Still haven't heard back from them.
If this whole lawyer thing doesn't work out, I know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to start a chain of Cafe Rios here in orange county and L.A. I'll put Chipotle out of business. I'll become rich. Probably famous. Maybe I'll run for governor. The sky's the limit.
Can you guess that I'm really, really hungry right now?
6 comments:
You are funny my friend. I've never experienced Chipotle, but Cafe Rio is Delish! This I know.
Count your blessings and make sure it stays that way.
I think you are over analyzing this...FYI.
And how was it my idea?! You applied before I ever told you about the wonderful WSU. And that was before they implimented foundation points. I wouldn't let you come if it were now. hahaha!
Oh, my goodness, gracious! You're spot on! All we have in California is Chipotle, we had one in Santa Cruz, but we're such elitest, against chain's, (I don't even think there's an actual drive-thru in any of the fast food places around here), all about local restaurants, stores, products, etc., hippies, that even Chipotle got closed down and a fairly good Indian Restaurant replaced it.
Right across the street from that place is this little kiosk with Farmhouse Mexican Food, Cafe Campesino ... best Mole Poblano I've ever had in my entire life. I don't even like Mole, but I have dreams about this Mole!
Back to Cafe Rio, I also have dreams about eating there one day again. I often think I could go back to Utah just to have a Cafe Rio pork burrito, wet, of course. Oh my, can you tell I'm really hungry right now too?!?
I didn't sense hunger so much as spirituality. You analogize very well, brother. Man, you should hear my amazing baseball analogy. But don't get hopeful, it actually is spiritual related. Which wouldn't surprise you, I'm sure. I had cafe Rio the other day. mmmmmm
All I can say is that you're spot on. I used to live in Utah, and now don't, so I don't get to eat at Cafe Rio anymore. I had someone take me to Chipotle once, telling me, "Oh it's great, because it's just like Cafe Rio!"
It's not. It is most certainly not.
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