My Fashion Advice

Sometimes I'll have girl friends send me links to clothing items they're thinking of purchasing, to see if I think they're cute. I'm always happy to give an opinion (well, maybe not happy to...but I do it anyway), but here is the fundamental problem with asking me these questions--cute clothes don't make a girl look good; cute girls make clothes look good.

From my facebook quotes section: "I'm really not a shallow person: it doesn't matter to me what type of clothes people wear. It's what's underneath those clothes that really counts." -Me

This "quote," which I think I just kind of made up one day (though I doubt it's an original thought), betrays my inherent bias. If I think a girl is attractive, I'm probably going to think she'll look good in just about anything. Because it's true--she will. And while guys may not articulate the above attitude, they all think it. If my friends are attractive (and they are), I'll often just tell them they can save the $300 they're about to spend on that cute summer dress and just throw on a burlap sack. They'll look good in that, too. When a guy says he likes your dress, or your shirt, or your belt (come on, a belt??), what he really means is he thinks you're hot.

This is why models are good looking. An attractive model immediately creates a positive association with the outfit he/she is wearing. The unspoken false message conveyed is that if you buy this dress or shirt, you'll look as good as this model. And we eat it right up. If designers started hiring unattractive people to do their modeling, I have no doubt sales would take a nose dive. Nobody wants to look like THAT guy/girl! So that's another problem with asking my opinion on which dress is best: I'm going to be inclined to favor the outfits worn by the models that I find most attractive.

(The nerdy former psychology major in me wants to do a study that would quantify the effect of attractiveness on people's perceptions of clothing. It wouldn't be hard to set up. It has probably already been done...)

Having said all that, I will agree that some clothing is flattering while some is not (i.e. a burlap sack). However, that person's inherent attractiveness remains largely unaffected. Clothes, like so many other things, represent a "quick fix" in people's minds: "If I wear the most popular and trendy clothes, I will be beautiful!" In reality, there is no shortcut to beauty or attractiveness (or awesomeness); it's a combination of personality, physical appearance, and demeanor, among many other things. And these characteristics are a function of your lifestyle and everyday behavior--they're not things that can be changed like a pair of underwear.

And no, those jeans don't make you look fat. Your butt makes you look fat. Time to hit the stair machine!

Clif Bars

In the aftermath of Costco discontinuing the protein bars I used to buy, I've been searching for a substitute. In short, Clif bars are not it.

To the makers of Clif bars: if you're going to create something that tastes like crap, the least you could do is make it resemble anything BUT crap. Seriously, if I stepped on one of these at the park, I'd probably utter a few of my favorite swears, and then look around for the irresponsible pet owner.

Of course, I guess I should expect as much from the hippies out of Berkeley, where these things are produced. The saddest part is I bought these in bulk at Costco, so now I've got like 50 of them I have to suffer through. I'm getting kind of sick just thinking about it.

I gave Chipotle a second chance, and I regret it

Why? Because I was really hungry and my friend told me that I needed to get the chicken rice bowl--it was "the best." I've heard that one before.

Besides being rather tasteless, another problem with what is served at chipotle is that it's COLD. Let me illustrate. Here is what goes in a chicken rice bowl:

Rice (warm)
Beans (warm)
Chicken (warm)
Salsa (cold)
Sour cream (cold)
Cheese (cold)

I also could have gotten guacamole and lettuce in there too (also cold). The ingredients go in the bowl in that order. Thus you have cold grated cheese sprinkled on top of two other cold items. How is that supposed to melt? Why would I want unmelted cheese in something like this? So after I sat down and kind of mixed this chicken rice bowl a little bit, it became a tasteless, lukewarm mess unfit for Guantanamo. The only reason I ate it all is because I was starving and had just paid six bucks for it.

Their burritos are even worse. In the burrito, you have all the above ingredients, plus maybe cold guacamole, all wrapped in a cold tortilla and then put in foil. Chipotle: serving cold "mexican" food fresh off the grill since '93! If I wanted burrito popsicles, I'd go to costco and buy them in bulk. Oh, I'd also heat them up in the microwave.

Now, consider what goes into a burrito at Cafe Rio:

• A warm tortilla that they just made fresh right in front of your eyes (they have a rotating grill on which they cook the thin sheets of dough).
• Seasoned rice (hot) (and none of this tasteless crap with just some green stuff thrown in there--the rice actually tastes GOOD. What a concept!)
• Beans (hot--you can actually see steam rising from the containers)
• Meat of your choice (hot--same as the beans)
• Cheese (cold, but quickly melts because the other items are kept hot)
  
• Sauce-mild, medium, or hot (all of which are heated)

They have been assembling all this in an aluminum tray. You might be wondering why. Well, at this point, they wrap up the burrito and ask if you want it enchilada style (the correct answer is 'yes'). Then they smother it with sauce and cheese on top, and place it in a little conveyor-oven for about a minute, further HEATING the entire meal, and MELTING the cheese on top of the burrito. After it comes out of the oven, you then have various "cold" side options to be placed in the aluminimum tray with (but not IN) your burrito, such as sour cream, guacamole, lettuce, chunky salsa, etc. Note how these items are not placed in the burrito. That is because the items are COLD, and you want your burrito to be HOT. And it is hot. All the ingredients that went into the burrito were hot, and then if that wasn't enough, they send the thing through the oven.

Now I don't know about you, but when I'm eating mexican food (or "mexican" food, I should say--I know that neither chipotle nor cafe rio serves traditional mexican food), unless I'm eating a salad or dessert, I expect it to be hot. Cold food is what I get when I open my refrigerator and have leftovers (I then heat them up). I don't expect the food I just saw prepared in front of my eyes to be cold the second it's handed to me. Are my expectations unreasonable? Again, this is why I am baffled by Chipotle's popularity. Not only are they getting away with fooling people that the food itself actually tastes good, but they're also serving it to them cold! And the people are eating it up!

I'm truly perplexed that two Chipotle restaurants actually exist in Salt Lake City, because I always presumed that where Cafe Rio and its assorted rip-offs were present, Chipotle could not possibly thrive. Honestly this blows my mind. I'm not saying that Cafe Rio serves the best food on the planet, oh no. What I am saying is that in the world of burritos made in front of your eyes, as is done at both of these places, Cafe Rio serves food that is overwhelmingly better than anything you'll get at Chipotle. And, Cafe Rio has much more variety in their menu. But for all Californians who read this and have still not had the opportunity to experience Cafe Rio, fear not, for salvation is nigh. In 2010 Cafe Rio will be opening a location down in Lake Forest. I know, I know, "Where's Lake Forest?" I'm not entirely sure myself. I know it's way down in south county somewhere. I intend to look it up once 2010 rolls around. Until then, enjoy your Chipotle. I'll be at taco bell.