Tattoo Advice

Let's see. How do I put this without offending people who have tattoos? It's not that I always dislike them. Some have artistic value. Some are tasteful and meaningful for the people who have them. But I don't see myself ever getting one, and here is why. 

A tattoo is more or less permanent. Sure, you can get it removed with a laser, but that can often result in scarring or discoloration of the skin. So while a tattoo is permanent, the reason for getting one usually isn't. Take the guy up top, for example. Is he always going to be a real die-hard Hulk Hogan fan? Or was that possibly just a phase he went through as a teenager or young adult. How about when he's 80 years old and no one even knows who Hulk Hogan is anymore? His grandchildren probably aren't going to be too thrilled every time gramps takes off his shirt and tells the Hulk Hogan story again. Come on grandpa, that's embarrassing. 

I think there's a principle to be gleaned from this: don't make permanent decisions based on fleeting trends. Linkin Park is a popular rock band. That doesn't mean you need to get a tattoo of it across your back. "Wang Chung" also used to be a famous band. (Who? Exactly.) There's an imbalance with this kind of thinking. Permanent decisions, like tattoos, should be made on equally permanent ideas. So, step #1 if you're considering a tattoo: make sure it relates to some aspect of your life that you don't ever foresee changing, like your love for your mom. (Ah but more on that later.) 

Another reason I wouldn't get a tattoo is because I think it often ends up being a superficial way of attempting to exude some positive characteristic. For instance, many people get tattoos to look "cool," "sexy," or "tough." Personally, I'm far too much of a utilitarian to be impressed by such efforts (but that's just me). In my opinion, if you want to look tough, then BE tough. If you want to look cool, then BE cool. Go to the gym. Learn karate. Look people in the eye and treat them with respect. These are active efforts that develop actual characteristics consistent with coolness, toughness, or what have you. A tattoo strikes me as the lazy man's path to what he perceives as respect. Take our buddy up top again. Despite the impressive muscular figure tattooed on his back, for some reason I remain unconvinced of his toughness. I wonder why. This is why if I ever were to get a tattoo, I would probably cut to the chase and just tattoo muscular contours on my stomach, arms, and chest. Hey, if I want to look "tough," I might as well be efficient about it, right? 

Sometimes, I think people get tattoos to make some kind of statement or take a position on an issue. My question to them is this: is that the best you can do? I mean, unless the tattoo actually functions to prompt you to action in furtherance of that position, what is the point? Take the person who gets a tattoo representing his love for his mother. Now, unless that tattoo actually helps him call his mother more often or otherwise show his love for her, then it's worthless. In fact, I'd say it's worse than if it wasn't there at all, because then it's a testament to his own hypocrisy. My point is that there are probably much better ways to show your support of God, Jesus, your mom, your wife/husband, your kids, your country, mother earth, or whatever it is that tickles your fancy. A tattoo, alone, is meaningless. Unless it inspires you or others to action, then it's just ink on your skin. 

Again, I see tattoos as the lazy or insincere person's path to a false sense of achievement. One act of Christlike service is worth more than all of the crosses and "what would Jesus do?" tattoos you can fit on your body. So even if the principle on which you base your body ink is more or less "permanent," that isn't the only factor. One should honestly ask whether the tattoo represents a hollow statement, or a reminder to DO or BE better. 

Based on my self-proclaimed qualifications of social commentator, I offer people considering tattoos the following advice: 

1. If you're set on getting one, make sure it relates to some part of you that will never be outgrown. Make sure it's permanent. (See above.) 

2. Take care of your skin. Maybe Jesus looks better with a tan, but he won't be looking so great on that leathery carcass you'll be sporting at age 60. 

3. Don't get fat. Or pregnant. Stretch marks will make your tattoo hideous. So either don't get fat, or get the tattoo somewhere you don't anticipate ever accumulating a lot of blubber. 

4. Choose a skilled artist. Seriously dude, if Hulk Hogan saw you at the beach, he'd probably kick your ass for that thing on your back. 

5. Location location location! You don't want to have to wear a sweater every time you go to grandma's house. Be smart. 

6. Use invisible ink. Hey, at least you'll know, right? 

7. Imagine your grandmother/grandfather with an identical tattoo. Does it still seem cool? 

8. Make sure you're not under the influence of alcohol or drugs. I don't speak from experience, but word on the street is not a lot of good decisions are made under those conditions. 

9. Definitely not a good first date idea. Chances are you won't be talking to that person a year from now, anyway. 

10. Mandatory one-week wait time between the inception of the idea and potential inking.

[2022 author update. This post was mostly tongue-in-cheek, and I am no longer personally averse to getting a tattoo, but I still believe in points 1-4, 8-10.]