How to make enemies, get on everyone's nerves, and generally be shunned

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I feel like I'm a pretty decent arguer. This is kind of the idea, since I am a lawyer and all. I think I've identified a few guidelines to follow if you want to end up on the winning side of an argument more often than not. However, the following is not intended as a license to argue. Only do it if you have to, or if you get paid to do it (like me!).

Choose Your Battles Wisely

When you have the liberty to choose, only fight the battles you know you can win. Don't engage in arguments where your position is indefensible. For example, don't say something like "Men's Health Magazine is only for gym rats and perverts and the articles are written at a grade school level." Because if you say something like that, I will call you ignorant and then proceed to show how ridiculous that position is. You will probably feel dumb and you may even cry a little. Another example: one time President Obama broke out some mad ninja skills and swatted a fly with his hand. Enter the idiots manning the helm at PETA, crying about him swatting that fly. See, PETA, when you choose your battles this unwisely, people have trouble taking you seriously. They get sidetracked from other valid positions you might have (like tough laws on animal cruelty), because you're making a fool of yourself on this one. Lesson learned from PETA? You lose credibility across the board when you choose your battles unwisely.

Also, avoid battles where the stake is inconsequential. If "winning" means nothing, then you still might end up looking like a loser. For example, parents, let's say your child came home an hour after curfew. You could throw a tantrum and ground the kid, and you'd probably be absolutely right--they broke the rules and that might be a justifiable punishment. But chances are you'll still end up looking like the loser in the kid's eyes. Would that be a fight worth going to war over? Doubt it. Choose a more important matter on which to stand ground, like when your kid decides it'd be cool to sell his/her body for cocaine.

Don't have kids? Here's another example. It's your spouse/significant other/roommate's turn to take out the trash. I mean, you've done it like the last FIVE times in a row. Go ahead, scream and scold them for their laziness and neglect. You can even do it nicely, if you want, it doesn't matter. You're absolutely right, it IS their turn. But guaranteed that on the way out to the trash can they're not thinking "Wow, you're right, it was my turn, thanks for reminding me." Take a wild guess what they're thinking.

Qualify Everything You Say

See what I did there? Okay, okay, maybe not everything. But when you don't know what you're talking about, qualified statements are extremely useful in creating the illusion of being "right." Let's take the Men's Health magazine comment. Now, if that person had said something like "A lot of Men's Health readers are gym rats or perverts, and I find many of the articles to be written in an unprofessional manner." See how different that statement is from the one before? Doesn't it sound so intelligent and reasonable? That's because it's much more defensible. No longer are we speaking in absolutes; instead, we've sought the sanctuary of qualifiers, such as "a lot," "I find," and "many." This time we used the disjunctive "or" which is much more noncommittal than the conjunctive "and" used previously. Also, by saying "I find," you've couched your statement in opinion, which again is much more defensible than a bare assertion of fact. I still might argue with you and demand that you back up your qualified statements with some evidence, but you really don't have to: your statement is sufficiently qualified to withstand nearly every attack. So what am I left to do? Fume and mutter under my breath, maybe pace back and forth a bit, but in the end you won't be hearing these triumphant words from my lips: "You were WRONG!" (However, you might hear something like: "You don't know what you're talking about." See below.)

But a couple caveats with qualified statements. First, you can't overuse them. Sooner or later, you've got to take a more concrete stand on the issue. If you don't, then even slower minds will eventually realize that you really don't know anything, and your qualified statements are merely a ruse to hide your lack of knowledge. If you don't have a concrete stand to make, that's when you disengage and retreat before you embarrass yourself and bring further disgrace to your family name.

Also, qualified statements, when left alone, really don't provide much information. Take the second Men's Health comment, for example. It doesn't give you any numbers, statistics, or frame of reference with which to judge the person's opinion. If left alone, it might be a true and defensible statement, but it doesn't really tell you anything. Now if you expand on the statement by describing people you know who are perverts or gym rats, and who read the magazine, then you're getting somewhere. If you define your idea of professional and unprofessional writing, and then show me a few articles that clearly meet your "unprofessional" definition, then you've won. Take home lesson? Qualified statements are wonderful, just be prepared to back them up with something of substance.

Take the Middle Ground

You can know absolutely nothing about a particular topic and still come off sounding very wise and reasonable, as long as you advocate moderation. Let's say your friend has decided to start up some fringe diet like only eating fried snickers bars and kool-aid. Even if you've never had a snickers bar or a sip of kool-aid in your life, you'll be 100% right if you say something like "I'm pretty sure you should still eat other stuff like skittles and root beer. Most diets require a healthy balance." (Oh check out that sick qualifier I used there.)

Not all situations will be so easy. As a general rule, anytime someone takes a position that deviates from moderation and approaches the extreme, you'll hold your own by staying in middle earth, which is the term I use for the land of moderation. (I know, I know. I'm hilarious.) Try it next time a friend or family member tries to sell you some miracle juice or enroll you in their pyramid scheme. You'll feel empowered.

Well, that's all I've got so far. Maybe I'll add more to this list as I think of other points. Who knows, maybe I'll write a book someday and be famous. You can all have an autographed copy.